Halcyon Days

Sometimes, you feel that life is a cycle of loves and loves lost. You feel that you never truly know when you will feel whole again after the last walks out of your life. I love to be in love. I am a romantic. However, after the last one, I closed down my heart and put a bulletproof vest on so Cupid could not get me. Cupid’s a smart little puggie archer.
To him, I guess he already knew how I would fall. A series of women so endearingly beautiful that part of me would melt everytime their name was mentioned. It took a picture here, a trinket there and BAM! I found myself wanted to be for them what I never had for myself, a love.
I’ve thought about opportunities missed, futures derailed and even the postponements that are taking their toll. I’ve thought about the ones I wasn’t supposed to be around at all and wonder if all the tears and lack there of were worth it.
Today, I cried. It wasn’t the longest cry or the strongest tearjerker but it meant a lot to me. It felt healing that I was hurt. I miss her. The tears burned my eyes and left me dazed in the night. Do I love her? I don’t know. Does it matter? I don’t know either. All I know is that I possibly will love again.

The most valuable resource on the planet is time. Once you spend it, there is no way to get more. That’s it. It’s gone. So, what do we, as youth, do with it? Spend our entire youth deciding on what is worth spending our time on.
Over the past few years, all my time has been getting spent on personal improvement. I’ve been trying to learn how to protect my resources, avoid drama, figure out my purpose and find out who I am. Those aren’t easy goals. I’ve become cold-hearted to a lot of nonsense I would have entertained years ago. I don’t tolerate liars, attitudes or people that don’t want to occupy a positive place in my life. Women that I saw as potential to lift me up but weren’t ready for those positions have been left behind. Men that seem to distract me from my larger goals have been pushed to the side. I no longer need the stress. So, with the rest of my time, I’ve been trying to get rid of some nasty habits that have been distracting me from the better me.
At this point in my life, I am supposed to be focused on a goal. I am supposed to finally graduate and move towards the life that God wants me to build for myself and the world. Yet, I’ve let frivolous issues break my heart, pocketbook, academic record and control on life. I’ve been approached saying that either I brush issues off, tackle them head on or skip them completely. Is that right? I don’t know, but it’s all about efficiency. How can I squeeze the most out of my time, relationships, skills, experiences and resources? If I am not benefiting or no progress, don’t waste my time. Is that becoming cold? Is me wanted all the details mapped out in advance or placed in front of me a problem? Have I become a control freak or do I just want to have a purpose from now on? Is everything being calculated to be exact a problem? I’m not sure but some people make it seem like it is. Not everyone is going to be worthy of who I am. That may seem cold, but it is true. I have standards and if I don’t uphold them, no one else will.
Maybe in my standards is where the importance lies. I’ve become demanding on everything meeting my standards, whether it is women, work, friends and leisure. I’m worth greatness and anything less than is not worth me. You have to have standards or else life will give you whatever because you will take it. In my head, I don’t meet all my standards but I will. How else will I become magnificent?

Today, the feeling that I have been feeling for a while is growing. I randomly was picking songs for me to listen to off my iPod and came across Vanessa Carlton’s Ordinary Day.

Today though, something was strangely familiar and different about the way I…

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I dream of finally having someone that I can hold on to and not let go. I want someone that everyday I can’t wait to see you and every night I hurry to sleep so that the morning comes faster. I want to sail on your emotions as you tug on my heartstrings. Make me want you. I have played too many games and am now patiently waiting to meet you. Let me meet you. Let me know you. Let me love you.

Mi-les Miguel

There are a really few things I am afraid of in my life. I always had a rule to never discuss my relationships publicly but I recently was reading an article on one of my favorite blogs and an article linked to that. 

http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/07/30/men-are-not-perfect-vol-3-the-one-that-got-away/

http://www.salon.com/2012/07/26/i_never_got_over_my_first_love/

It got me thinking about love and love lost. I thought about who I considered the one that got away. This is not to say that no other girl has quite touched me as deeply but differently. This is one specifically that I don’t want to always be that little hurt child over.

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